


Amor

by Lady_Ishtar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Anxiety Attacks, F/M, Mental Instability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Sad Ending, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:54:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27473092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Ishtar/pseuds/Lady_Ishtar
Summary: What is the price of love, and what does it give us in the end?"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."—Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Kudos: 12





	Amor

“Love looks not with the eyes  
But with the mind,  
And hence is winged Cupid  
Painted blind.”  
-William Shakespeare,  
Act I, Scene I, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

As she sat by the window, laboriously drawing in rough gulps of breath, Hermione wondered. Did love mean loneliness? This feeling bubbling up inside her heart- as if the very fabric making up that useless organ was being torn apart, is this what you get for love? Is this the result of blindly trusting, believing in a person?

The War had left scars which were too deep to be seen, sometimes too deep to be immediately felt. But they were there- throbbing, growing, this nebulous miasma gathering its strength, taking a more concrete shape. It was there in Ron- with him drowning himself in liquor- as he once slurred-  
“It takes away the pain, ‘Mione. The constant parade of dead faces. It’s the only time I’m finally free, light, and maybe even happy.”

It was there in Harry- with his hand-tremors, and forcing himself to find joy. With his chronic anxiety of losing the few people he has left and in night terrors which haunt him 12 years after that night.  
It was there in almost everyone of their generation. And it was there in her in the form of a constant panic gripping her heart. It seemed unable to let go of that terror- the constant mortal threat, with its fleeing and fighting for their lives. Her body and mind seem to be stuck in a time-capsule where the War is still going on just like it had so many years ago.

It was a battle everyday- to go out after waking up in the morning, to go to work, even go to meet her friends. Any place where she couldn’t identify an immediate escape route would send her system into fight or flight mode. During those times, no matter she tried to hold herself together, even a gust of blind was sufficient to blow away the pieces of her being- scatter them, never to be found again.  
It was so difficult to be normal. To smile and not scream out- “Enough. I can’t carry on like this anymore.” She had though more than enough times of ending this pain- but the. There ws Harry- how could she be the reason why those green eyes of his are again filled with so much pain? There was Ron- no matter how much she disapproved his ways of forgetting, who was she to judge? They all deal with their monsters, and they were still here. Still breathing. There was little Teddy with his hair which became brown and a riotous mass of curls every time he saw her. Little Teddy who will never know his parents- those parents who gave their lives so that the others got to live. How could she repay all that love, given unconditionally, like this? It kept her tied to this world, and unable to neither live nor die, she led an existence which was a death in itself.

And then he came.  
She thought their scars matched. One hand marred by generations of fanaticism, another by din of birth. She found herself in him- in the gray pools of his eyes, she found her little shard of happiness. It was indeed like a shard of glass, but the, she could only see the smooth, the glittering side.  
There was a freedom in giving up to Draco. She spent all her life, especially the years post-War holding on to her control for dear life, just to get through every day. She timed her breaths, and she measured her movements, she counted her heartbeats, and through it all, tried to calm her ever-racing heart. It was exhausting.

She had begun to feel the weariness of it settle deep within her bones- it tired her from inside out. Her mind was always over-stimulated with the excessive adrenaline rushing through her bloodstream, and even when her body was at rest- her mind wasn’t.

That’s why it was like a lifeboat when she found him- and she gave him her all. She gave up all her control, let him in to her deepest fears and surrendered completely. He became her center- and she got through the maddeningly oppressive days imagining only the peace waiting for her back home- a complete relinquishing of control. He took over her life- both the sexual aspect, and outside the bedroom. He knew she had distinct opinions of her own, and respected the, but the rest of the time- he let her let go. He said he found his salvation in it- taking care of something he had a hand in damaging. And she finally found her home in a person- just being taken care of, just being looked after.

It appeared to be a terribly toxic relationship to all her friends- he was dominating, and often controlling every aspect of her life. But they didn’t know what it was like inside her head- the constant voices, the never-ending anxiety. They didn’t know he was the reason she found enough strength to wake up every day, didn’t know she loved him more than she had thought herself capable of feeling. It took her by surprise too- the depth of her feeling. She had known love before, butt it had never reached a depth like this ever before. She sometimes wondered if there wasn’t a certain about of obsession twirled around it.

Slowly, her friends slipped away- were warded off by him. He mentioned he thought they weren’t conducive to the progress of her career. They were wrong, their intentions were wrong. She was too good for the world. What would have become of her, with her bleeding heart if he hadn’t come along to protect her? It got lonely sometimes, moments he missed Harry’s laugh, or Ron’s silent understanding, or even Luna’s odd perceptiveness.

Didn’t matter, she said. As long as he’s here, whatever the cost, she’ll be happy, she said.  
As time passed, he seemed to want to protect her a little less. She had anticipated her feelings growing dull- she hadn’t anticipated them increasing, becoming more and more desperate as he slowly started to slip away. She hadn’t anticipated falling in love more and more.

Yet leave he did- and now here she was- without friends, without him, only some more trauma to speak for her dream of home.

She wondered again; is this the cost we pay for love?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dear readers!  
> Firstly, I hope you all liked the story. If you found any notable problems with the text, do drop a comment!  
> Also, any suggestions, and topic recommendations for future fics are always welcome. <3


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